There’s so much going on right now that I’m having a hard time focusing on any one subject. You’re probably thinking: And that’s different, how? You’d be right, I’m often all over the place but more so right now, especially with the president* threatening to declare war on the American people. We’ll figure it out as we proceed; either that or we’ll make it up as we go along. This must be the place for our first musical interlude:

As one of LSU’s most distinguished graduates, Hubert Humphrey, would have put it: I’m as pleased as punch that the George Floyd protests in the Gret Stet of Louisiana have been peaceful thus far.

I’m not surprised about New Orleans. Being in a crowd makes New Orleanians feel happy and safe. NOPD has learned over the years to approach protest crowd control in the same way they handle crowds during Carnival. New Orleanians are inclined to vent their rage over personal, not political issues. Besides, our city was nearly destroyed once. The last thing we want is a repeat performance. [6/4 UPDATE: I shouldn’t have bragged about New Orleans. NOPD teargassed protesters on Wednesday night.]

I am, however, concerned about the lack of social distancing during protest marches. Some of my friends have posted pictures of the New Orleans demonstrations and people were packed in tightly and there were some maskless faces. Just because things are better doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods. COVID-19 is some serious shit, y’all.

I was also pleasantly surprised by the paucity of political extremists at Gret Stet protests. Far-right and far-left extremists have instigated looting and arson elsewhere. In a state where David DuKKKe received 1,278,100 votes in statewide elections in 1990 and 1991, it’s a relief that white supremacists didn’t descend on the Crescent City en masse. I guess they shot their wad during the Lost Causer/white supremacy monuments protests. Perhaps their local leader the Gret Stet Fuhrer Wannabe, David DuKKKe, is too busy tweeting Trumpist nonsense to hit the streets again. He is not missed.

Let’s return our attention to the pandemic. I consume a fair amount of local news and I’ve been somewhat perturbed that the local teevee stations are trumpeting the “reopening” even though the public response has been underwhelming in some areas, which is a damn good thing. Mercifully, none of the news organizations have gone full-blown coronavirus truther but we’re seeing way too much of Steve Scalise, Double Bill Cassidy, and John Neely Kennedy and not enough of Cedric Richmond. Perhaps Cedric is hunkered down in Joe Biden’s basement in Delaware. You never can tell.

Speaking of local news outfits, this quote from Robert Johnson’s Rambling On My Mind is aimed at thin-skinned right-wing Picvocate columnist Dan Fagan:

“I got mean things, I got mean things all on my mind
Little girl, little girl, I got mean things all on my mind
Hate to leave you here, my baby, but you treats me so unkind”

That’s Fagan with an A, not this guy who is Fagin with an I:

I’ve already taken a detour with that Oliver reference so I might as well tell you that I’m obsessed with Charles Dickens. I’ve even read and enjoyed all 830 pages of Martin Chuzzlewit. I typically drop at least one Dickensian reference a week in my writing and I’m astonished that I haven’t done so here. I apologize humbly and sincerely like Joe Gargery in Great Expectations, not unctuously and insincerely like Uriah Heep in David Copperfield. I told you I had rambling on my mind.

Back to Picvocate columnist Dan Fagan. He’s a Metry based pundit and talk radio big mouth who has a long list of credits including The Hayride according to Muck Presumably, that’s a pun on muck rake so who am I to disapprove?

Fagan with an A is a common garden variety wingnut who has transferred his fealty to Donald Trump. He’s written a series of columns during the pandemic that verge on coronavirus trutherism. He’s among those who believes that wearing a mask is not only unmanly it’s an infringement on our liberties. Freedom, man.

I originally planned to do a full-blown analysis of Fagan with an A’s work but it’s hard to plow through so much turgid prose. Remember when conservative columnists could write and chew gum at the same time? George F. Will is one of the few left standing. I like him best when he wears a bow tie and talks about baseball. He is, however, a resolute opponent of the Impeached Insult Comedian.

One of many things that vexes and puzzles me about Fagan with an A’s writing is how thin-skinned he is. Nobody likes criticism but it comes with the territory. That’s why I have “mean things on my mind.”

The headline of Fagan with an A’s May 26th column is an exercise in self-pity worthy of President* Pennywise:

I question the shutdown. Does that make me a ‘pink potato’ without a soul?

Since I have a fatal inability to pass on a straight line, the answer is a resounding YES.

Adding to the hilarity of this column is an extended passage about thin-skinned, creepy Seinfeld character, George Costanza. Fagan with an A thinks he’s citing it as an example of how he doesn’t care about criticism but then goes on to whine about it. It’s classic Trumper projection. Your president* is proud of you, Danny Boy. It’s unclear if “the pipes, the pipes are calling.”

I have a long track record of suggesting theme songs for the people I write about. This one is perfect for Dan Fagan with an A:

Dan should learn to flinch instead of whine when criticized. If he lashes out at me for this column, I shall turn the other cheek. If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t dish it out. Words to live by.

I’m sorry that you’re a pink potato, Dan. I really am. After all, who wants to be like Potato Head Bobby who was a character in two Zappa songs including this classic:

I just realized that I neglected to distinguish Fagan with an A from someone else with a similar name, Donald Fagen with an E of Steely Dan fame. Fagen with an E has kin in New Orleans, so he wrote a swell song about it with the late Walter Becker. It was #12 on my Louisiana Tunes list:

I told you I had rambling on my mind.

The last word goes to Robert Johnson and Eric Clapton: