The phrase “blank is on the ballot” is much in use right now. It’s a venerable phrase that both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are fond of using. Rumor has it that they’re on the ballot as well. Make sure you check the box next to Joe’s name. It’s time to take out the political trash.

In Orleans Parish, our ballot is long, long, long. In addition to the federal offices and state constitutional measures, we have school board members and judges up the wazoo. There are so many of the latter that I’ve lost count. The most important local race is for a new District Attorney to replace the diminutive and devious incumbent Leon Cannizzarro aka Canny. My head is swimming with the number of boxes I have to check.

I may have even missed something since the Secretary of State makes it hard to nail down a sample ballot. You have to export it to MS Excel. I hate Excel. Spreadsheets are for bean counters, not 13th Ward Ramblers.

I’m old enough to remember when our SOS was not a political hack. Kyle Ardoin is no Fox McKeithen.

I resisted social media peer pressure to vote early where the Pelicans play. I prefer to vote on election day at the polling place I’ve voted for the last fifteen years. I figure if I’m going to vote in person, I might as well do it in the 13th Ward on the final day of Voting Season. Of course, there are bound to be some runoffs, so we’ll all be doing it again in a desultory December runoff. I hate December runoffs more than MS Excel.

There’s another reason I’m voting on November 3, 2020. I have been so focused on the national election that I haven’t studied all the down ballot races. I try to be an informed voter. Election bingo is not my thing and there are so many judicial races that the mind reels. I’ve consulted with the Antigravity Magazine voter’s guide, which is rich with courthouse gossip and lawyerly snark on the judicial races.

I don’t always vote in judicial races. I think it’s preposterous that judges are elected. I know what a magistrate does, but most people do not.

There’s even one judicial race this cycle that I’m skipping because of an obnoxious and aggressive canvasser. This dude was angry that I didn’t want to speak to him inside during the pandemic. The campaign didn’t reply to my social media complaints, so they lost my potential vote. It may sound petty but if you have a social media presence someone needs to reply to voter questions and complaints. I’m not, however, petty enough to name the candidate.

The Gret Stet Senate race has been dull. Double Bill Cassidy has done nothing to merit re-election unless your taste runs to Trump sycophants.  He claims to be the health care Senator yet has voted repeatedly to gut the ACA like a good Republican. As to the Democrats, I’m voting for Adrian Perkins, but Cedric Richmond’s non-endorsement has hurt the Shreveport Mayor’s chances to finish a strong second.

Richmond claims that he’s supporting Derrick Edwards because they’re old pals. Maybe so but I suspect Richmond of channeling Dollar Bill Jefferson who wanted to be the top black Democrat in the Gret Stet and was forever sabotaging candidates who failed to kiss his ring. An unflattering but accurate comparison.

I’m on the horns of a dilemma in the Orleans Parish DA’s race. I originally planned to vote for Jason Williams, but I’ve never voted for a candidate who’s under indictment and I’m reluctant to start now. I realize that makes me a bad Louisianan but what can I tell ya? I really don’t want to have to vote all over again if Williams is forced out of office. We have too many elections as it is.

There *is* one Orleans Parish race that has grabbed my attention. Of all things, it’s the race for a judgeship on the Civil District court. It’s for section F but it rates an E for entertaining. The candidates are incumbent Chris Bruno and challenger Jennifer Medley. Bruno’s real opponent seems to be Sidney (The Trashanova) Torres, the world’s only celebrity garbage man.

Sidney Torres IV is a man-bun wearing phony from St. Bernard Parish. He has a reality teevee show on CNBC, The Deed. I’ve only seen the show once because there’s only so much of the Trashanova I can take. In that show, he advises people how to gentrify, flip houses, and rock a man-bun. I’m not a fan of fake self-made men. Torres comes from a wealthy and politically well-connected family in Da Parish.

I started calling Torres the Trashanova when he had the trash and street cleaning contract in the French Quarter after Katrina and the Federal Flood.  He was then Mayor C. Ray Nagin’s pet. That shiny-headed boob liked to brag that the Trashanova and his minions made the Quarter smell “lemony fresh.” I am not making this up.

The Trashanova currently has the garbage contract in “Kenna, brah,” but is best known as a litigious real estate developer. He’s been feuding with Judge Chris Bruno and has taken to the airwaves in support of his opponent.

Team Bruno and Team Torres have been trading barbs via paid media. Here’s a sample:

The Trashanova, however, does have a sense of humor. He calls his PAC, THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE. It debuted in the 2017 Mayor’s race when the Trashanova trashed the candidacy of Desiree Charbonnet who was backed by Cedric Richmond. That’s why I call New Orleans the world’s largest small town.

I’d like to thank Sidney Torres IV for helping me decide who to vote for in the Bruno-Medley race. If the Trashanova is FOR a candidate, I’m against them.

Now that I’ve praised Torres for his reverse endorsement, I want to encourage Bayou Brief readers to get out and vote. Double Bill Cassidy is likely to win but it would be swell if he could be forced into a runoff. It could set the table for a 2022 campaign against Senator John Neely Kennedy the man who asked Amy Coney Barrett who does the dishes in her house. I’d love to see the second phoniest man in American politics voted out two years after the bull goose phony loses. The term “throw the bums out” has never been so applicable.